apple trees

my dad loves apples. anyone who knows him knows that.  today i realized that no matter how far we crawl away from the apple tree we fall from. we still fell from that apple tree. i woke up and immediately started to read a book that was given to me as a gift in bed (i love when i don’t have to rush to work). as i  read i naturally highlighted pieces of the stories that stuck out to me. 

then i looked at my book and laughed out loud. my book looks like one of my dad’s books. 

i guess that the years and years of being surrounded by his magazines, articles, and books being highlighted and marked up with thoughts and references rubbed off on me. 

i think he worries a lot about me, but that’s their job isn’t it? worrying about their kids? but he’d be happy to know that i don’t waste all of my time doing unproductive things 🙂 ’cause sometimes i read and i take time to mark them up and write like crazy…just like he does. 

and during these times is when i realize that i can do a lot with the small amounts of time i have. 

so, thanks dad. i’ve learned so much from you. 

 

I have a job

I have a job and I love it.

I love everything about it.

I am actually at work right now.

so, this is going to be a short post.

also, this is our department’s flickr account so you can stay posted for more pictures. yippee.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/thereisdirtundermynails/

-heads

Our Favorite Fish

I promised proof of his progress and I swear to you that I have not edited the image in any way..and it is the same fish from 8 months ago! Finger and going to be needing a new name because he is getting so colorful! Weird! picture #1 is from today (taken with my new canon powershot) #2 is from the beginning of the year in Jan. #3 is the first picture I ever took of finger when i noticed that he wasn’t dying.

stars and such

Dear Diary,

Nothing has changed but everything has changed.

Truly i have decided it doesnt matter anymore. I DONT CARE.  It isn’t that I have given up hope or lost motivation for life. On the contrary. but i just keep thinking.. in the end its just our story that matters.

Our story. What does mine contain? Do we really have any room for resentment or judgement? What are we fighting for? Are we even fighting? Our generation is said to be the most concerned about expression and acceptance. are we so concerned about being heard..being validated that we get distracted by what’s real?  What feels real to me right now is our citizenry to earth, and the families we create while here. My Walden family, my study abroad family, my school family, my relatives, my church family, my community family, my adventure family, my Sundance family, my childhood family, my Cheyenne family, my ranch family, my massage family, my wild animal family, oh and my Jacqueline. Some people I haven’t seen or heard from in a long long time and some i only knew for a short time..but that doesn’t matter. everyone that i have met meant a great deal to me and the quality time that we spent i have reflected on over and over again.

I’ve been angry for a long time. I was born angry, this i know. and I always thought i was angry because i was told to fight and i was sick and tired of it and i held resentment against those  that held me responsible yet seemed free from the responsibility that i took upon myself.

the reality was that i was angry because i did not know what I WANTED.. yet i was responsible for what i was to become. Conclusion? Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “hitch your wagon to a star.” all you stars out there.. thanks. Im hithchin my wagon to this thought and im going to take flight..

just so we’re clear..i still dont know what i want, im still angry, also i am happy. this is just a jumble of thoughts and it might not make sense at all. but that is all..BAI

ps:  Chicago by Sufjan Stevens keeps me company this morning inbetween bouts of the pixies and james taylor..

Be a friend. Let it rain.

I am sitting on my porch watching the afternoon storm roll in over the Tetons. The thunder overhead is so loud I can feel it rattle the tin roof of the barn. The storm is right above us. I love how the rain just touches everything and when it starts pouring all activity on the ranch stops.  (Well now that all the hay that was delivered today has been put away).

Today I was thinking about how its been said that when it rains it pours. But here in the Tetons, the storms can roll out about as fast as it rolls in. So you don’t even have time to process it . The storm comes and I get so excited and then it leaves with just a trace of its presence in the muddy puddles in front of my room.

Be a friend. Stay a while. Why dont you just let it rain?

 

Livin’ in the Wild Wild West

i have a job. two words that describe what its like: minimum wage. BUT it is countered by the fact that i live on a ranch literally in the front yard of the snake river and the Grand Tetons. i feel like i am living in a postcard. and i LOVE it. dont know yet how long i will be here. i was supposed to figure that out a couple of weeks ago. maybe i will know before i leave this place.

On Falling

This is to falling

“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night, I miss you like hell”- Edna St. Vincent Millay. but you don’t drown by falling in water, you drown by staying there.

so i get outta here. im better now. 

JoyFear

‘Fear makes us feel our humanity.’ ~Benjamin Disraeli

Post written by Leo Babauta.

The moment my first daughter Chloe was born, I was filled with an overpowering joy — she was a living miracle! I was also filled with soul-trembling fear — here was a fragile new life, entrusted into my incompetent hands.

It was overwhelming, this mixture of two powerful emotions.

I call it Joyfear.

Copyright pending.

I discovered this word in an exercise on Sunday at the World Domination Summit during a talk by the amazing Andrea Scher and Jen Lemen of Mondo Beyondo (check out their site, it’s awesome). During the exercise I came up with the word and wrote it on my arm.

Joyfear.

It turns out that the birth of each of my kids was filled with Joyfear. And it turns out every single defining moment in my life has been filled with Joyfear, with a mixture of intense joy and intense fear into one ball of powerful emotions that both lift me up and make me see things clearly when I hadn’t before.

My first marathon was filled with Joyfear (actually every marathon had it). I felt Joyfear when I quit my day job and became self-employed. Joyfear was there when I fell in love with my wife and then when I married her, when I moved my entire family with absolutely nothing to San Francisco last year, when I published my first book, and in a smaller way every time I create something new and put it out into the world to be judged.

Having only joy is great. Having only fear sucks. But having both … that’s life-defining.

Do not shy away from Joyfear. Seek it out. Recognize it when you happen upon it. Joyfear will change your life, and you’ll never forget the moment you find it.

 

 

A Boy and his Moon

I found a great perch on top of a magnificent piles of rocks in Idaho.  Across the way my dear friends found a perch of their own and we exchanged greetings. Then I snapped this photo of Kevin as he had a moment.

This reminded me straight away of The Little Prince by Antonie De Saint-Exupery. And that is perhaps why I love this picture with all my heart.

“People where you live,” the little prince said, “grow five thousand roses in one garden… yet they don’t find what they’re looking for…”

“They don’t find it,” I answered.

“And yet what they’re looking for could be found in a single rose, or a little water…”

“Of course,” I answered.

And the little prince added, “But eyes are blind. You have to look with the heart.” “One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes.”

 

That morning I re learned that everything we have been given here on earth is to help us appreciate love and beauty. No matter what form it may take.

Just like Michelangelo said, “My soul can find no staircase to heaven unless it be through earth’s loveliness”

This morning I am trying really hard to stay positive about the uncertain road ahead and the little prince has helped me once again..

“That’s the way they are. You must not hold it against them. Children should be very understanding of grown-ups.”

Finger’s Progress

thought i’d update the most recent pics of Finger for those that are interested in it’s progress, it is continuing to grow more colorful each day…such a weird phenomenon