Dear Diary,
Nothing has changed but everything has changed.
Truly i have decided it doesnt matter anymore. I DONT CARE. It isn’t that I have given up hope or lost motivation for life. On the contrary. but i just keep thinking.. in the end its just our story that matters.
Our story. What does mine contain? Do we really have any room for resentment or judgement? What are we fighting for? Are we even fighting? Our generation is said to be the most concerned about expression and acceptance. are we so concerned about being heard..being validated that we get distracted by what’s real? What feels real to me right now is our citizenry to earth, and the families we create while here. My Walden family, my study abroad family, my school family, my relatives, my church family, my community family, my adventure family, my Sundance family, my childhood family, my Cheyenne family, my ranch family, my massage family, my wild animal family, oh and my Jacqueline. Some people I haven’t seen or heard from in a long long time and some i only knew for a short time..but that doesn’t matter. everyone that i have met meant a great deal to me and the quality time that we spent i have reflected on over and over again.
I’ve been angry for a long time. I was born angry, this i know. and I always thought i was angry because i was told to fight and i was sick and tired of it and i held resentment against those that held me responsible yet seemed free from the responsibility that i took upon myself.
the reality was that i was angry because i did not know what I WANTED.. yet i was responsible for what i was to become. Conclusion? Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “hitch your wagon to a star.” all you stars out there.. thanks. Im hithchin my wagon to this thought and im going to take flight..
just so we’re clear..i still dont know what i want, im still angry, also i am happy. this is just a jumble of thoughts and it might not make sense at all. but that is all..BAI
ps: Chicago by Sufjan Stevens keeps me company this morning inbetween bouts of the pixies and james taylor..
Haeree Kim's Blog 